ok, can i just talk for a minute here about cities? well, new york city, specifically.
ian once said (and i'm not sure if he was quoting someone else) that being poor in new york was like living in an amusement park where you can't go on any of the rides. of course, poverty is relative and though alden and i are on medicaid and we are literally, as penniless as we've ever been (or could in fact ever be, i hope), in this city, which at times does feel like a playground for the wealthy, i've been receiving constant reminders of how rich our lives actually are.

naturally, i can't discuss wealth, monetary or metaphysical, without acknowledging that our little family has been blessed, lucky, whatever you want to call it, to have an extended family of generous and loving support. our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles have all come to our rescue more times in the past year than we can count and we can only hope that someday we can repay them somehow. be it with dollars, pies or kisses. no amount of any of those things would be enough, really.

but for me, personally, the surprise aid has come from friends old and new. i don't talk about it much, but right after alden was born, i was incredibly blue and almost as anxious as i've ever been. pregnancy for me was a somewhat lonely affair. i think it is for many women, but i sort of isolated myself, feeling alien amongst my friends and far too shy to try to meet other mamas-to-be. maybe i expected that feeling to go away once i had my little baby in my arms, but it didn't. the first few weeks at home with the little guy, i was terrified to go outside and too out of sorts to want visitors. i think i eventually wrote about my inability to maintain dry eyes when he started crying. the thing is, all of that is completely normal, but i kind of thought i might be cracking up at the time. i had no reference point.

last night i was talking to my mom on the phone and she was telling me about how lonely she was after my youngest brother, brendan was born. nick and i were in school and my dad was at work. the suburbs are so quiet during the weekdays. one day she was at the grocery store with brennie and saw another mom of about the same age, with an infant who was brennie's size and she struck up a quick conversation. the woman had to go, so my mom suggested they get together sometime for coffee or lunch and the woman totally snubbed her! this story made me simultaneously so so sad and also really profoundly grateful; i have had nothing but amazing, positive experiences with other mamas in new york city and i've suspected that were we to move away, i would not find as warm a community elsewhere.

it's surprising at first, but really, it shouldn't be, that new york city is far more "small town" than just about anywhere else i've ever been. there are just SO MANY people that you can create your own town within a town. somehow mini communities find one another and come together and it really makes one a believer in the interconnectedness of all things, when you think about it.

anyway, this post was much more poetic and fluid in my mind's draft than it's become. and before i ramble any more, i'll just say thank you.

thank you to our families and thank you to our friends, old and new.
thank you to the universe for letting us carry on, even if only with a very tenuous grasp. we are struggling, yet hopeful!

love and hugs and hot cups of coffee all around.
cute photos of baby man will resume shortly!